They say you are bound to make the most terrible decisions after 2 am. I wonder why. My circadian rhythm is already out of order when 4 am winds the thinking mind. I am afraid of tomorrow, yes I am.
Surrounded by my favorite four walls, nothing listens as it previously did. I have a heart beating inside me. It is one of the greatest miracles of God where my mind ceases to imagine the real side of human birth. Well, I am not supposed to think about that, but visualizing an operation theatre or the idea of pushing a life out of the body makes me numb. The more I try to forget it, the more I am acquainted with time.
I am glad I am half way through, but each day is difficult than the previous. I have seen them with those big bumps relying on heaps of ice creams, craving spices and enjoying that sea breeze. I thought I would do the same but my journey has been different. With gulping food for the sake of it and with the pain of suppositories along with the fear of losing a life, I have dreaded each day. I want to cry but I cannot because every action is going to affect someone else. Is that a description of a mother? My eyes refuse to shut with the excitement of holding a baby, but my hands tremble with the thought of failing at this. Can life be so difficult and confusing at the same time? I thought period cramping gives you pain. As I grew, I associated that feeling with heartbreak. With time, I realized that every sarcasm and harsh comment coming from the new family is rather more agonizing. Today, I think it is the weight of the child, the stretching pain after taking stairs, and the fear of losing a baby, that is more painful.
I don’t expect anyone to understand my pain, but I surely need someone to hold my hand tight and incessantly repeat ‘everything is going to be okay’. I have distanced myself from the mirror with the anxiety of losing out on my beauty. I don’t want them to re-affirm that I look perfect. But ironically, the growing belly tells me I am progressing successfully. There are moments when I want to scream but the reaction around haunts me. I thought loneliness was being without friends and family. But the real side of loneliness is the feeling of being helpless; depending on others to get you food and counting on someone to understand.
As you grow, you are exposed to more challenges. It would be wrong to think that life ends once you graduate and marry. In fact, you come across stage 2. While bed becomes your best friend for the last few days, and where you begin to doubt the relationship with your partner after the baby, a child teaches you what no politician or artist has ever taught you. For me, a child is the greatest source of inspiration. Before birth, it tells you the real meaning of strength and hope. It lets you identify the masked relationships. And above all, it brings you closer to God. After birth, it reminds you about trusting yourself and your abilities. It tells you the real meaning of joy and fulfillment.